I Thought I Was Okay
Monday, May 25, 2020 at 4:54 PM
by Kayce Stevens Hughlett
I thought I was okay,
that I’d been training for this,
that silence and limited companionship were
my friends, my allies, my homies.
All true. All fragile.
All tilting on their axis.
A blue velvet funk with nap wearing thin.
I do not own a basket large enough to carry
the both/and of these times.
I’m not sure the vessel that is my body has
the capacity either-
perhaps that’s why we hear about
expanding waistlines and pounds gained.
We need more capacity to hold the
contrasts and weight of now.
The sky is bluer than we’ve seen in decades,
and rests alongside our own muddy blues.
Birdsong clear and strong, sweetly chatters
in disharmony to my rattled and rankled brain.
Deep rest is swallowed by nightdreams
working through problems that can’t be solved.
Seattle’s exquisite spring swallows precious memories
of Luxembourg Gardens and Balinese rice fields.
I thought I was okay,
that my capacity for joy and sorrow large.
I’ve been stretched before but never like this.
My thoughts tie knots around and upon themselves.
Grandmother Spider weaves her glistening web,
then reaches out and snatches an unsuspecting fly.
Death immediate, nothing lingering
about this morbid bite.
And then I look up and notice the poppies,
so vibrant and alive I nearly weep.
Garden colors-fuchsia, fern green, petal pink-
witness to life unphased and nearly forgotten.
Now’s contrast is too much to bear.
Limits pushed.
Boundaries broken.
Blossoms burst.
I thought I was okay,
but I need a sign that all shall be well.
I need to know the freedom of unmasked breath
and deep embrace of kindred souls.
I need to dream a dreamless sleep and
wake up refreshed.
I need to put down my weary pen and weep.
~~~
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My mission as author, healer, spiritual director, SoulStroller et al is to offer tools and entry points into your way of experiencing life. To help facilitate your process during these unprecedented times, I’m offering specials out of my personal inventory. Offered at significantly discounted prices and sent with a deep blessing of love and light to you and yours. Peruse and see what strikes your fancy. Offer good while supplies last.
Originally published at http://kaycehughlett.com on May 25, 2020.
